We like to share with you the stories, writings, and art of the men and women who are a part of RealLife. This is a poem written by a member of our staff team.
I am a broken man. I am not perfect. I am not fully sanctified. I am not worthy of praise. I am not a great man. I am a broken man.
Sin is a very fickle thing. When you really think about it, sin is not all that foreign to us. Sin is just not that complicated. It is who we are, often who we want to be. Sin is a part of us, it is no different than our skin, our blood, our nervous system firing off different thoughts and actions. Sin is ourselves.
This is where I sit on this evening. I am a man broken in two.
One half of me desires God, wants to be made holy, to be sanctified. This half has a great love of people, of the world. This half desires that all come to know this wonderful savior I know, Jesus Christ. My desire is to become more like him in his death, to pick up my cross daily and follow him, to joyfully sell all that I have to attain him as my treasure. This half wants to see him more clearly, love him more dearly, and follow him more nearly day by day, as the song puts it.
But that is only half of me. My other half, I don't like to talk about, I don't like to think about, I don't want anyone to know. It is a dirty half, a disgusting half, a painful half. It is a half that wants to be in the center of my world. It is a half that wants to be in the spotlight, to be gushed over, to be praised, to be given awards and acknowledgements. It is a half that expects to be made much of, to get what it wants, to always be justified. This half wants to look at pornography. This half wants to have every new thing. This half wants to be in charge of everyone. It wants to know that others are only lucky enough to have me around. It wants to believe that everything I do is right, that every idea is the best idea. This half sees others as a threat and portrays only completeness, only goodness, it does not show its weaknesses. This half does not know selflessness, this half only loves itself. It is self-serving.
I am two men in one. I am an animal, depraved, seeking after only my own needs and wants and desires. I am a man made in God's image, who by faith is seen as righteous because of what Christ did on the cross, I love others and desire to serve and know my Creator and be more like him.
But which does my heart desire me to be? There can only be one. Man cannot serve two masters, for if he does, he will eventually love one and despise the other. My heart, which is a temple of the Holy Spirit, cries out to my Father in heaven. My heart, desires that I become one whole man, to no longer be a man divided in two. The Word tells me that I am a new creation with new desires and new intentions and a new life. I am born again. I am finally alive. I am raised with Christ. I am given the finest robe and a signet ring after spitting in my Father's face.
Yet still sin rears its ugly head. I am surprised to see it. I am not surprised to see it. I am a new creation, I was formerly dead in my trespasses but now I am alive because of God and his great mercy. Yet still sin attacks me on every front.
"So I find it to be a law that when I want to do right, evil lies close at hand. For I delight in the law of God, in my inner being, but I see in my members another law waging war against the low of my mind and making me captive to the law of sin that dwells in my members. Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself serve the law of God with my mind, but with my flesh I serve the law of sin." - Romans 7:21-25
This is where I stand. The closer I grow to God, the more I realize how much sin is in my life. I am broken man. But I pray that the Lord continues to diminish my disgusting half and cultivates my Christ-centered one. I am a broken man. I am an heir with Christ. I must kill my sin, I must cling to my one refuge and source of life. It is Christ that must increase in my life, and I must decrease. My flesh must be slowly and methodically snuffed out. Resistance is futile, because the work will be done, the job will be finished by the one who started it. Jesus Christ is my perfect and full portion. All other things can be now counted as loss compared to knowing what it is like to be with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. I am in the passenger seat along for the ride of a lifetime. And I want to be all in, I want to be equipped and armored. I want to be able to fight the good fight and finish the race. But I cannot be forever, a man who serves two masters.
I will be glorified in the future. I am being sanctified in the present. I was dead, living for sin in the past. I am a broken man.